I Want to Support Someone

Main Content

We at Illinois care about those who have been impacted by sexual misconduct, including supportive loved ones—family, friends, significant others, and allies. Below, we have included information on helpful ways to support a survivor for anyone who might be in contact with a survivor of sexual misconduct.

If you are interested in becoming an ally, educator, or advocate in the prevention of sexual misconduct, check out the Prevention & Training tab above to learn about various ways of getting involved.

If you are a parent or family member of a student who has been impacted in some way by sexual misconduct, please see Resources for Family & Friends for helpful information. One of the best ways you can support your family member is by becoming aware of resources on campus and encouraging your student to utilize the ones that best fit their current needs. The FAQs tab above can be a good place to start as is the Resources for Students page.

If you know someone who has been accused of sexual misconduct and are wondering how best to support that person, these suggestions may be helpful.

Supporting Survivors Through STRIVE: A Guide for Family and Friends

Source: University of Illinois Women's Resources Center

It's not always easy to know how to respond when someone we care about has been affected by sexual misconduct. The truth is, there is no one-size-fits-all response. Your support at a time like this can be extremely helpful to a survivor. We encourage you to be as supportive and non-judgmental as possible. Your response significantly impacts if they feel validated and/or seek help.

If someone shares their experience with you, you can show support for survivors through STRIVE.

S

Start by believing.

Believe the person's experience. Don’t question or minimize what the survivor tells you. It's important to recognize the impact on the survivor. Something that seems minor to you might be harmful to the survivor. It is very common for survivors to blame themselves, but the blame rests squarely and only with the person who chose to harm them.
T

Talk less, listen more.

Let them know you want to listen. Listening looks like:

  • Let them share at their own pace. Try to avoid giving advice, unless they ask. They may just need to feel heard.
  • When you ask them what they need from you, hear and support them. Even if it's not what you think you would do in this situation.
  • You may feel nervous or awkward, but it’s okay to sit in pauses and silence for a bit.
R

Respect Survivors' Decisions

Every survivor’s experience and healing journey is unique. Respect their concerns and their choices. Give the survivor control and autonomy.

Any steps taken to increase a survivor's safety should be done with the survivor's consent. Part of reasserting that a survivor has power means respecting their choices to use/not use help that is offered and allowing them to pursue options according to their own timeline.
I

Inform survivors of resources

Survivors do not have to navigate healing on their own. Help the survivor process by exploring resources and options, offering to accompany them to meetings, and finding other ways to increase their safety.

You, as their supporter, are not alone. Resources exist for you, too.
V

Validate survivors' responses

There is no “right” way for a survivor to respond. A survivor may feel many emotions: numb, sad, angry, in denial, terrified, depressed, agitated, withdrawn, etc. A survivor’s reactions, wants, needs, and feelings might change over time. Be patient with them.
E

Empower with Empathy

Empathetic support is an attitude of acceptance of all feelings, an atmosphere of warmth and safety. Be there for them. Try to understand what they are going through. Check in and be a source of support.

Remind the survivor this is not their fault. They did the very best they knew how in a threatening situation. Let them decide who knows about what happened, and do not share their story with anyone else unless it is with their permission.

However, please note that Responsible Employees who are made aware of sexual misconduct must immediately report the incident to the Title IX Office.